Feedback vs. Approval: Key Differences That Matter

One of the hardest things to navigate, when learning a new skill, is the question of how to grow as a learner. What do I do to support my growth? Who can help me? And what is considered helpful?

The truth is this, learning a new skill can be fraught with confusion, disappointment, unexpected insecurities, and sometimes simply giving up….IF a system is not set in place to support growth. Growth is supported by a safe environment with constructive feedback.

The problem is this, many of us confuse feedback with approval. In doing so, we often derail our chances at developing new skills due to how we view ourselves and due to how we view the responses from onlookers who give solicited or unsolicited advice. Let’s break down the difference between feedback and approval.

Approval means something is acceptable or good. Approval is saying “You are worthy.”

Feedback is information.  Preferably information from a skilled person who has expertise in what you are trying to learn – someone who can share that information in a constructive manner.

Here’s a quick summary of approval and feedback.

Our experience as children very much defines our understanding – or lack thereof – in differentiating the terms approval and feedback.  Ultimately we seek both.

Let me share a story to give this some context.

Approval & Feedback – Which Do I Want?

I learned to shuffle dance in my fifties. As you read this, as of Spring of 2026, I’ve been shuffle dancing for approximately ten months. When I started dancing, I received unsolicited comments. Some comments were kind, others were back-handed compliments.   I also received silence – silence from people who were close to me and keenly observed my social media. 

I found myself construing these comments as good or bad – in the form of approval. They liked my dancing, or they didn’t. I discovered something I didn’t like about myself as I embarked on this new venture of dancing – I was seeking approval. And when I wasn’t approved, it didn’t feel good.

The silence from onlookers was probably the worst. Silence can be a killer when you are seeking approval; it creates terrible unrest and confusion.

As a new dancer, this sudden swirl of comments which I viewed negatively or positively, was rough. It was made more rough by the fact that I wasn’t as grounded or rooted as I am now in feelings of self-worth. It rattled my confidence and almost led me to quit trying to learn to dance. Your ability to love yourself, see your self-worth, impacts your view of approval and feedback.

Approval can be a powerful tactic if people are trying to keep you in a space defined by societal norms. And one thing I discovered quickly was this – many people did not approve of a 57-year-old dancing on social media.

But I kept dancing. It was rough-going, but I tried to ignore my desire for approval and focus on what I loved – dancing – because THIS increased my love for myself, therefore my self-worth.

As I progressed in my dance skills, I discovered I needed feedback from other dancers who could help me improve my shuffling. I began to seek it out, and this caused me to recognize how feedback empowered me to move forward. I asked specific questions and I got specific responses to refine my skills.

The Origins of Your Feedback and Approval Beliefs

Unfortunately, I grew up in a family environment in which approval and feedback were intertwined – approval was feedback. There was never any information given to me about a skill that I practiced, in terms of my ability to improve or excel. Approval was given liberally, if we, the children, were not perceived as a threat to our parents’ identities. Approval was guaranteed if our skill served the family’s greater good within the public eye of our community. We all seek approval during our lives, we want to belong in some shape or form. It’s innate.

Use Your Strongest Roots to Gauge Your Beliefs (Healthy Relationships, Fine-Tuned Skills)

Focus on things you are good at: relationships that are effortless, skills you could complete in your sleep, to determine your healthiest response to approval and feedback. I want approval and feedback in my life, but I am only interested in receiving them from people who accept me for who I am. Also, I know that if I am skilled in a craft, my ability to accept feedback or approval comes with a rooted self-worth that allows me to receive both in a healthy manner.

I recently asked my husband to review this article as I revised it.

He asked, jokingly, “Do you want feedback or approval?”

I laughed and said, “Either! Bring it!”  My rooted beliefs about myself as a writer allow me to take both without any discomfort or feelings of insecurity. Writing is a healthy gauge for me, and my relationship with my husband?  The healthiest gauge of all. We are partners, best friends….soulmates.

How Do You Learn to Distinguish Feedback from Approval?

It takes a serious “stepping back”.  I must observe myself and watch how I react when people comment on my dancing. Pick one skill you are working on to test this out. I use dancing because it’s something I do daily.

Approval is heavily tied to feelings of emotional safety. 

When we seek approval, we are seeking to belong:

Am I good enough? Do you like me? Do you think I did the right thing?

We are really asking about our self-worth.

Feedback is heavily tied to personal growth.

When we seek feedback, we ask for information:

What’s working here? What can I improve? What’s confusing or needs refinement?

When we receive feedback, it should be used as information to move forward, grow and progress.

Other Motives

Many times, we receive “breadcrumbs” from people who have ulterior motives. They minimally approve, rather than give supportive feedback.  It’s like a constant carrot being dangled in front of you, as you try to prove your worth, with no growth. Little bits of approval might make you wonder, why is it not good enough? You might wonder, when WILL I be good enough for their approval?  Approval is often mistaken for love in these cases.  Be sure you are seeking approval from those who have your best interests at heart. Not everyone does, and this can be grooming at its finest. When someone has confused you, meaning you’re not sure if they are supporting you or not, this is typically a sign of a manipulation and you should step back. Take a closer look at this relationship. Do they need your light dim, because they are using your energy, time, and light, so that they may shine?

The best leaders in a workplace will be the ones who say…

“You’ve got this! You’re ready for the next step! Excellent work!!! Let me connect you with someone who can support you with this next step, because I want to make sure you have the tools to succeed.” This is approval and feedback tied with a lovely bow.

Let me also give you an example without a lovely bow. I once planned a beautiful birthday party for someone. I did it unsolicited, simply because I wanted to. When the birthday folks arrived, I hoped they would love it and tell me how beautiful it was. I was obviously seeking approval. Instead, I received information about things they would have done differently. It was unsolicited and it was NOT constructive feedback, it was criticism. It was meant to be destructive. The nuanced way they shared the criticism would make it difficult for an observer to detect their intent to destroy my self-worth, unless you had seen this pattern with them before. I had.

Sometimes in life you’re not looking for feedback, you simply want to be appreciated – which truly is approval – in my opinion. The end goal, of these particular individuals, was to make sure I never got approval from them in my lifetime. Their goal was to keep me insecure, keep me continually hoping to “belong” and forever desiring that stamp of approval. This is one example of how people will use approval and feedback to confuse you and dim your light. I had to ask myself; do I really want to spend the rest of my life chasing approval from these people? No.

Another way to look at it?

Approval tells us we belong.

Feedback helps us become better at a skill or craft.

Become an observer of self.

Do I want feedback? Am I hoping to belong? If I’m hoping to belong, it’s important that I must not sacrifice “self” in order to fit in. Desiring to belong is simply human nature, but self-worth must come first.

Approval must come from inside. You approve you. Get rooted in your own approval. Work on it daily if necessary. Self-talk is an excellent way to rewire (if needed) and grow your self-worth.

Once I separated my self-worth from people’s responses to my dancing, everything changed. I began to love the part of me I remembered as a child, the child who always wanted to dance. I got to know this dancer inside of me, and guess what? I approved of her.

Things changed rapidly once I had my own approval.

I started to pick the music I loved. I danced in free form. I focused on skills and asked for feedback. I picked the dance skills I wanted to work on, based on my own dancing goals.

You wanna know one of the greatest killers of your creativity?

Chasing approval.

As soon as I discovered that I no longer cared what people thought about my dancing, I started to show progress that made ME happy. I redirected my brain to focus on my self-worth while also searching for constructive feedback from experienced dancers.

The golden nugget here?

Seeking feedback creates personal growth.

Personal growth increases self-worth.

Self-worth opens up a whole new world of freedom and opportunities as you cut the strings to those who keep you tethered and trapped.

And when you have self-worth, and you belong to YOU – guess what happens next? You…

Find Your People

As you refine your craft, you may look for a supportive group to join. Take your time here. And always know this, you can leave a group when it is not working for you. If approval within a group means a sacrifice of self, re-evaluate. It is natural to want to belong. And when a group of individuals equally support one another – it’s pure magic.

Is your energy being valued in this group? Is the energy you give reciprocated? This is really a question of how you feel.

Do you feel drained or full? Do you feel peace or resentment?

When you rally for the group and cheer on individuals, do they rally for you in that moment you shine? If not, it may be time to leave. Never sacrifice your spirit, your creativity, for a group whose energy is not existing in a way that replenishes you.  Imagine energy like a figure eight – it flows infinitely – but make sure you are jumping into the figure eight that matches your energy. If it’s not an “energy match” – it doesn’t mean the group is bad. This is not a judgment call. It simply means the group is not for you. The sooner you can discover this, the sooner you can discover and really SEE you.

Who you seek feedback from is the caveat that can push you forward or back.

Look for others who are knowledgeable in the skill you want to learn.  I no longer look to see if people like how I dance.  I am simply asking for information that will help me improve my skill based on my dance goals.

If I seek feedback from someone who is privy to the “old me” – from the past – where I lacked self-worth, I often run into trouble. Some of these people wish to keep me in my “old” space. They are not familiar with the “new me”. In these situations, I mentally hold up a red flag in my head that says WALK. AWAY. I refuse to engage in old patterns which do not serve me. I visualize myself nodding, smiling, backing up, turning around, and getting the hell out of there.

When feedback or approval is really “criticism” – carefully crafted to keep you down.

There will always be people who want to dim your light – this is due to their own self-worth issues, NOT YOURS. These people do not get to be a part of my circle. I remove them quietly with no fanfare and no discussion.

If you want to dig deeper, this is where “inner child” work begins for many of us. If you did not have the opportunity to develop self-worth as a child, you can still do it today. Your ability to love yourself will drastically change your relationship with approval and feedback.

As a mother of two young adults, my children are everything. I want them to become more than I will ever become. I want them to reach for the stars. They have my approval, my feedback, hell they have confetti, cookies, heart emojis – infinitely – for life.

Problem is…many parents, bosses and leaders in charge are not like this.  I have no recollection of any constructive feedback on absolutely anything in my life from my parents. It was all about approval and keeping me tied to a family system that benefited them.  We were simply extensions of their personas. Approval kept me questioning my worth, kept me small, and kept me from growing.

Digging out of this mindset is a shit show, but it’s worth every shovel of shit I dug out and threw out. Do it. Dig through it, move past it, and get on with your life. You are worthy and you deserve feedback and unlimited self-love. Sometimes we must build internal love to find the people outside who are worthy of our love and our quest for feedback. Choose carefully so as not to repeat an approval-seeking pattern that left you longing for approval and insecure about receiving constructive feedback.

How do I shift my thoughts and emotions from approval to feedback? Reframe your questions.

No longer ask – Do you like it?

Instead ask, how could I refine it?

No longer ask – Is this good?

Instead ask, what is unclear?

No longer ask – Do you think this works?

Instead ask, what did you not understand?

Do not fish for praise (and believe me you’ll want to if you’re trying to shift your mindset from approval to feedback thinking)

Fishing for praise might sound like….

I worked soooooo hard on this – can you tell a difference?

Stop this 😊

Become a curious person as you examine your own learning. How can you grow?

When you do ask for feedback, pay attention to your emotional response.  

If I feel icky, sad, or deflated, I know that I was most likely looking for approval. If I feel excited, ready to push forward, I know that I grabbed onto that feedback – that information – and I’m going to improve my skill as a learner.

Be an observer of yourself. Rewire your thinking to support yourself in a way that allows you to shine on the inside and the outside. When you feel good about you – everyone can see it – and it’s contagious. Approve yourself. And then ask others for feedback when needed.

I start every day with this phrase – I see you girl….you got this!!!!!  Remember to gauge your understanding of feedback and approval by examining your strengths – the relationships and crafts in which you excel. Your strengths are healthy places in which to “test” your feelings about approval and feedback, as each are tied to your self-worth.

Once you stop seeking approval, you will find infinite freedom to move forward. Grab it.

Please check out my mindset series here on our website if you wish to learn more. Also, subscribe to our YouTube channel and see my videos about mindset under the “Shuffling Homesteader” playlist. Drop me a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts.